SOCIALISM: You have two cows. You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay for the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbour. You feel righteous.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AMERICAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

FRENCH CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

GERMAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for Protected content , eat once a month and milk themselves.

JAPANESE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are 1/10 the size of an ordinary cow, and produce the milk of 20 cows. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called cowkimon and market them worldwide.

ITALIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

SWISS CAPITALISM: You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

CHINESE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You have Protected content milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

RUSSIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You count them and learn that you have 5 cows. You count them again and learn that you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn that you have two cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of Vodka.

INDIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You worship them.

BRITISH CAPITALISM: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CAPITALISM: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.

AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

NEW ZEALAND CAPITALISM: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

GREEK CAPITALISM: You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks. You eat both of them. The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF. The IMF loans you two cows. You eat both of them. The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk. You are out getting a haircut.